Accompanying Dad Through the Final Six Years of His Life

Caregiving is usually told as a daughter’s story.

Mine began at 24, as a son.

That’s what I shared on Frontline (前线追踪), Mediacorp Channel 8’s feature on a quiet shift in Singapore with 2 other male caregivers: more men are leaving work to care for their loved ones. 

For me, caregiving started before my career did. When my dad’s vascular dementia set in after his third stroke, the weight of caregiving multiplied. There were nights I asked myself, “Why me?” out of exhaustion and uncertainty of what lay ahead. 

Unexpected as they were, those years became the most formative of my life. The sleepless nights taught me that sleep sometimes gives way to life’s messiness. But I could still learn to nurture myself and tend the conditions to show up a little better the next day. 

They became my life's work: co-founding Somnus Sleep Wellness with Dr Julian Lim, and now a book, Nurturing the Nurturer, to be published by Penguin Random House SEA in October this year, written for caregivers past, present, and future. 

I never regretted stepping up for my dad. And today, I'm learning the rhythm again, this time caring for my ageing mum.

Traditionally, it is assumed that caregiving responsibility falls to women. Often it still does. But the gap is narrowing: last year men made up 40.1% of the 12,300 Singaporeans and PRs who left work to care for their parents, up from 27.8% in 2021, according to the Ministry of Manpower.

Here’s what I’ve come to understand:

⭐️ Caregiving is never about gendered roles. It’s finding the courage already within to do the best you can in the current season of your life. 

⭐️ Presence matters more than fixing. It’s staying present when everything in you wants to look away.

⭐️ No one carries this alone. Men especially wait until burnout to ask for help. The bravest thing you can do is let people in, early. 

If you’re quietly caring for someone you love, who’s nurturing you? ☺️

Photo credit: 8world and thank you Lian Cheong Ng for this thoughtful discussion and opportunity to share!